


We Never Go Out of Style

by mylifeisloki



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Tumblr Prompt, inspired by a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-10 21:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4408460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeisloki/pseuds/mylifeisloki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by 'Style', by Taylor Swift. Steve is a bad boy who can't be tied down, but Natasha's not like anyone he's ever seen before. Together, they go through life, love, and loss- not necessarily in that order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on an anonymous tumblr prompt. I'm hoping for some kind of feedback that'll tell me whether or not to actually continue it, but any feedback is appreciated. Hope you like it!

Steve Rogers was a one-of-a-kind type of guy. To start with, everyone loved him. He was the kind of high school hero that garnered both the attention of boys who wanted to be like him and girls who wanted to be with him, not to mention the attention of every teacher in the building- each and every one of whom wanted to call him their star pupil. Anyone who didn’t know any better would call him a bad boy- carefully tousled hair and a leather jacket coupled with a cocky smirk that got him into or out of trouble on a regular basis. But for those who knew him? Steve was a sweetheart with a sketchbook almost permanently attached to his hand, his blue eyes always searching for something else to draw.

His one detriment was his love life. Steve could be seen with a new girl each week, usually with their arm linked through his, her books in his hand, her lipstick clinging to his cheek. Rumors circulated about why he switched so often, why he couldn’t hold onto a girl, whether or not he was using them as a cover for the fact that he was really gay. Except that eventually, Steve began wandering around with other boys, with their arms thrown over his shoulders or his arm slung around their waists. Suffice it to say that Steve was a very, very popular guy who didn’t seem to care about any of the rumors at all.

When Natasha transferred to his school, all black clothing and fierce, red lipstick, it took her about three days to fall for him. Having never fallen quite so hard for someone, her first instinct was to avoid him completely. It was inevitable, however, that she eventually bump into him and make her introductions regardless of the way her heart thumped against her ribs. It happened a month into her senior year, her first year at that school. Natasha was just exiting the ballet studio when she ran face first into someone’s chest and looked up to find herself staring into baby blues straight out of an old movie. “Sorry,” she said quickly, taking a step back. “My fault.”

Steve smirked lazily and reached out to touch her shoulders when she didn’t seem to know where to go or what to do, even leaning down to reassure her. “Don’t worry about it,” he said warmly. There was a pause and he tilted his head to the side, releasing her upper arms. “You’re the new girl, right? What’s your name?”

Tucking errant, wild curls behind her ear, she peered up at him and blinked- but honestly, she didn’t want to look away for too long. “Natasha,” she answered. “You’re Steve, right?”

He nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Natasha,” he said politely, just as another girl- a slim brunette with her hair pulled back into a ponytail- slipped up beside him and leaned up to kiss his cheek. Each girl was more determined than the last to keep him. “I’ll see you around.” Offering her a wink, he and the other girl headed off together. Natasha cringed at the way the other girl laughed at something Steve said, automatically wondering if he was somehow mocking their conversation just now.

Natasha herself was someone who invited gossip. She’d moved to New York from Russia just a few years ago and the first school she’d been enrolled in had proved that dressing the way she did and acting the way she did wasn’t just automatically accepted everywhere. She was a good girl, damnit. She did what her parents asked and got all A’s, but she supposed that a body like hers inspired the kind of judgmental rumors that circulated upon her arrival.

It wasn’t until a week later that the days of brief glances and lingering stares turned into something else. Natasha had been situated on the bleachers near the field- the place she’d recently picked to eat her lunch regardless of how little she actually needed to be there. It just so _happened_ that her lunch period lined up with football practice, which meant that she got to see Steve playing it up as quarterback on the field below. Sue her, okay? She was smitten.

Every day she was out there, she would watch the boys file into the locker rooms below and disappear before any of them returned, but today was different. Today, Steve glanced up and slowly made his way up the bleachers to stand just a few feet away from her, still wearing his uniform. “Hey,” he greeted. “Did we give you a good show?”

Swearing up and down in her head, Natasha smiled and gave him a casual shrug that she hoped looked kind of non-committal. “It was okay,” she answered. “What are you doing up here? Did you get lost on your way to the locker room?”

Steve’s eyebrows raised and he grinned widely, clearly amused at her teasing him. The success of it all made Natasha seriously consider the possibility that getting involved with him was worth it, regardless of the reaction her parents would have. “I just thought you looked pretty lonely up here,” he answered. “And I wanted to ask you out before someone else figures out how pretty you are.”

Well, to make a long story short, Natasha said an emphatic ‘yes’ carefully disguised as a relatively disinterested ‘okay’ and so began the most confusing relationship of her life. See, Natasha wasn’t going to let herself fall for Steve and wind up heartbroken when he left her like he left all the others. If he wanted her, he was going to take all of her. That included puffy days when she didn’t feel like doing her hair, days when she felt like spending an hour on her makeup, and days when she couldn’t kiss him in the back of the library because she had studying to do. This wasn’t a pick-and-choose kind of situation.

Of course, the hard thing was that Steve was just this side of perfect. Physically, he was the most impressive thing she’d ever seen and there was no hiding that Natasha loved touching him, whether that meant hugging him around the waist or lacing their fingers together, leaning against him under a tree in the park after school or brushing her fingers through his hair while she leaned up to kiss him. He wanted to be an artist. She wanted to be a dancer. They had kindred spirits, both stuck on the romantic kind of life that remained a fantasy for most people.

Natasha found herself just as surprised as everyone else when the end of the first week came and Steve was still greeting her in the mornings. The second week ended and he was still carrying her books. The third week ended and he was still passing her little notes in the hallway- sketches and song lyrics and little bits of poetry torn from library books and magazines alike. Three months down the line, Natasha was still kind of shocked by it all. People wanted to know what her secret was. How had she gotten him to be so content with her? Was she sleeping with him? How _often_ was she sleeping with him?

Rumors circulated fast and Natasha found herself developing an even thicker skin very quickly. They never talked about what people said, but Steve got in a fight now and then, and Natasha let him hug her really close sometimes while he buried his nose in her hair and reminded her that he liked the way her shampoo smelled like roses. She asked him why he’d asked her out to begin with and Steve shrugged, telling her he’d liked the color of her lipstick.

In March, Steve asked her to go to the senior prom with him and Natasha accepted, already wondering what kind of dress she’d find and imagining how handsome Steve would look in a tux.

In April, she realized that Steve was busy a lot. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer his phone or he would insist that they meet up for only a few minutes before running off to hop on his bike and disappear. Sometimes Natasha wondered where he was going, but she trusted him too much to ask.

In May, she realized that Steve never talked about his family.

In June, she finally found the perfect dress. It was black and perfect, made from smooth, silky material that fitted her waist and cascaded over the curves of her hips, falling to the floor in a sleek pool. With lace panels at her sides and over her breastbone, it gave off this allure of _class_ and _sophistication_ that really stood in opposition to Steve’s boyish charm. Natasha decided to accessorize sparingly, neglecting a necklace in favor of the silver bracelet her parents had given her last Christmas, and painted her lips the blood red color that Steve loved. With her hair in curls and her eyes done up just so, she waited impatiently for Steve to pick her up- and meet her parents for the first time.

“Мама, папа… This is Steve,” she said brightly, tugging her reluctant boyfriend in by his arm. He looked spectacular in his suit, in her opinion, but Steve _always_ looked spectacular to her.

Steve extended a hand to her father and gave him a firm handshake. “Hello, sir,” he greeted, turning to Natasha’s mother a moment later. “And ma’am. Hello. It’s nice to meet you.”

Because Natasha’s father wanted to be difficult, he began the questioning almost immediately. “So, Steve,” he mused, his Russian accent much, much thicker than Natasha's had ever been. “What do your folks do? Natasha’s told us so little about them.”

Steve let out a small chuckle and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Well, uh… Sir, I can’t say my folks do anything,” he said sheepishly. Leaving it there, Steve officially had one strike against him.

“And what about college? Where are you planning to go?”

Another embarrassed laugh. “I’m not going to college, sir.”

Natasha could see her father bristling and crossed her fingers that the next question might be something that could redeem Steve in her father’s eyes.

“Well, what are your plans after you graduate, then?”

Steve licked his lips and shrugged, sliding his hands into his pockets. “I don’t know, sir. I’ve been looking into an art course at the New School, but I’m not real sure right now.”

Strike three. Despite the smiles as she was led outside and into a sleek, black car Steve had waiting for them, Natasha knew that the next day would be a heap of trouble for her.

Prom was fantastic. That night, Natasha spent more time dancing and laughing and kissing Steve than she did worrying about how her parents probably didn’t like him very much at all. She pushed everything else out of her mind, intent to enjoy each and every moment with her boyfriend before things went to hell one way or another.

That night, in very traditional fashion, Steve rented a hotel room and they made love for the first time. Well, it was definitely Natasha’s first time. Steve seemed to know what he was doing. He was attentive and sweet, patiently guiding her through the motions and making sure she enjoyed herself as much as she possibly could. He even held her all through the night; his arms locked around her waist while he nuzzled into her and fell asleep with his face in her hair.

Afterwards, everything felt a little different, but in a good way. Natasha felt like she might always be content lying there in Steve’s arms, a thin layer of sweat covering her skin and her hair in disarray, her fingertips tracing the hard lines of muscle on his chest.

Her parents hated him. Not only was Steve unimpressive as far as the future went, but the way he’d spoken about his family hadn’t given them any reassurance that he was the kind of boy who should be dating their daughter. Plus, her father said, the suit that he’d been wearing was at least a size too big for him. Overall, he made a very poor showing that evening and Natasha heard about it all the next day. What did he mean by his parents did nothing? How did they live? Why wasn’t he going to college?

Above all, why didn’t Natasha know anything about him?

That was a question Natasha herself wanted answered, and soon. Two days later, she got her chance to ask when she and Steve met up after graduation for a celebratory dessert- Natasha’s parents had already taken her out to a nice dinner. They were officially high school graduates now. It was time to talk about what came next.

Except that Steve didn’t want to talk about it. Every question she asked was dodged, every concern waved off, every reason for this conversation ignored. Natasha’s anger swelled up and exploded into an argument that ended with her storming off and thinking that maybe her parents were right. Maybe Steve wasn’t the one for her, if he was so set on keeping everything to himself.

They didn’t speak for days, until Steve texted her asking if she would go see the fireworks with him in Coney Island on the Fourth of July. As mad as she was, Natasha accepted and showed up where they’d agreed to meet. It wasn’t fair that he looked as good as he did wearing old jeans and a white t-shirt, his shoes sitting beside him while he buried his toes in the sand. But she did her best, choosing a pair of black shorts and a red halter top that matched the shade of her lipstick, her hair pulled back into a messy braid that fell over one shoulder.

“I missed you,” he said warmly, leaning down for a brief kiss.

Natasha returned it, fondly running her fingers through his hair. “I missed you too.”

Together, they made their way onto the beach and he rolled out a blanket for them to sit on, also pulling out two beers he’d gotten from who knows where and handing one to Natasha. They had a nice view, surrounded by other couples and families and anyone else who wanted to brave the summer crowds for a fireworks display, and once they’d had their beers, Steve laid back so Natasha could lie beside him, resting her head on his chest to watch the show above them.

“Happy birthday, Steve,” she murmured, laying her hand flat against his stomach. Maybe she imagined it, but Natasha could have sworn that Steve smiled, his hand moving to lightly ruffle her hair as the explosions continued above their heads.

The next two months were some of the best days in Natasha’s life. Steve had admitted to getting a job, but despite his hours they managed to go to Astroland together, see a few movies, and go out for long lunches at a local diner… Sometimes they’d just head over to the park and Steve would draw Natasha while she was sunbathing or she would catch him doodling her while they were waiting for their food to come. With all that time together, Steve had opened up just a little bit, but he still didn’t talk about his family or what he was doing for money. Natasha still felt like there was a big part of him she didn’t know.

A couple of times, Steve would pick her up past midnight, the low rumble of his motorcycle the only sign that anyone was there. She’d creep out the door in silence and hop on the back, glad for the lack of headlights to alert her parents. He would take her to a hotel room, or they would just make out on a secluded part of the beach… No matter what, they always wound up laying together for a while, Natasha’s head pillowed on Steve’s chest or Steve’s head resting on Natasha’s stomach while she combed her fingers through his hair. When it got too late and the sky was caught between the dark night and the light morning, he would drive her home and make sure she got in before walking back down to where they’d parked his bike- so the noise didn’t wake anyone. Both times she’d managed to lie and say that she was spending the night with a friend, Natasha woke to a freshly showered Steve sketching her from the foot of the bed. It was the kind of summer romance that most people were only lucky enough to see in the movies. But movies, like everything else, have to come to an end.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The summer went quickly and soon enough, it was time for Natasha to start her classes at Julliard. Steve took her that first day and there was this look in his eye that the redhead just couldn’t place. Sadness? Envy? Whatever it was, she gave him a long kiss right there in front of the main building and promised to call him that night to tell him all about her first day.

As it turned out, college was _exhausting_. The first week consisted of Natasha being handed books and syllabi and rehearsal schedules galore. She would have to take the history of dance, philosophy of dance, _physics_ of dance. But most of her work was in the studio learning different styles. Ballet was her main focus, but they still wanted alternative classes to be taken, along with tap and interpretive. By the end of that week, she was about ready to jump bodily into Steve’s arms and never leave them again.

But she did, of course. Natasha faithfully attended every class, every rehearsal, every single meeting with her counselor. She was an honor roll student- and she would appear on the Dean’s List several times throughout her college career.

It took three weeks for her to begin hearing rumors about Steve’s whereabouts while she was in class. He had _said_ that his work schedule was crazy, but Natasha was beginning to question that. A good friend of hers was kind enough to hint that she’d seen Steve walking the boardwalk in Coney Island with his arm around a handsome man with long, dark hair. And they looked ‘pretty cozy’. Now, Natasha really wanted to trust Steve. She really, really wanted to brush off the suspicions that were now distracting her from her practice, but how could she? Steve was always running off. He didn’t ever seem to want to let her into his life in any proper way. Maybe he was seeing someone on the side and she hadn’t realized it. Maybe he was seeing _several_ people on the side. After all, he’d been known as someone who couldn’t be tied down when she met him.

To add to her suspicions, Steve was physically absent from her life for a solid two weeks and despite his texting her each night, Natasha felt… like something was wrong. Maybe it was just that she went to school in the city and he spent most of his time in Brooklyn, but maybe it was something else. But maybe she shouldn’t say anything. Then again, maybe she should. It was her right to know---

“I’ve heard you were out with someone else,” she blurted out when they’d finally reunited, right in the middle of lunch at their favorite diner. “A man with long hair.”

Steve swallowed. She could see his Adam’s apple bobbing away before he grabbed his drink and took a long sip. When he met her eyes again, Natasha knew what the answer was before he said anything. “I was,” he answered, nodding slowly. “Can’t say I didn’t think about you the whole time.”

As if that mattered. For all she knew, he was out there having sex with someone else whenever he left her and didn’t even have a job! “Well, I’ve done that too,” she said quickly, keeping their gazes locked in a silent challenge. “Thought about you the whole time, though.”

It was a lie said only to lessen the sting of rejection that turned her stomach, but Natasha would stick to it like her life depended on it. She had way too much pride to do anything else. After that, their lunch ended on an awkward note and despite Steve’s sweet kiss, Natasha was left feeling very uneasy. She texted him that night and told him they ought to take a break. She needed space, and time to think. All he said was ‘okay’ and Natasha broke her phone when it hit the wall across her bedroom.

October was flying by and Natasha found herself missing Steve more and more. She was hard at work and should have been distracted enough to keep herself away from him- but it wasn’t working out that way. She loved him. That much was clear. And deep down, she knew Steve wasn’t cheating on her. Maybe he was a little aloof, but he was still a sweet guy. He wouldn’t do that to her.

It was on Halloween that he came to make amends, ringing her doorbell wearing a cheap cowboy hat and putting his hand out with a hopeful smile. “Trick or treat?”

Natasha rolled her eyes at him and pulled him inside, her parents gone for several hours to attend a party of their own. Back together again, Natasha was more than happy to make time to see Steve, whether that was late at night or very early in the morning. Sometimes he would jog past her house and Natasha would get only ten or twenty minutes with him on their walk to the train station, but it was worth the effort. The best part was that she was really enjoying school. They were doing a production of Sleeping Beauty at the end of the semester and Natasha had managed to get the lead, so that was exciting in and of itself. Her parents had promised to attend, and Steve told her he’d be there with bells on.

Regardless, she was more than a little relieved when November came around because November meant having a long weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving. Though her parents didn’t _approve_ of Steve, they agreed to have him over on the day of and faces were properly stuffed before everyone retired for a nap in preparation for dessert. With her door open, as the house rules demanded, Natasha slept soundly with her head on Steve’s bicep and her hand gripping the fabric of his only button down shirt.

After dessert, Steve thanked her parents for having him and Natasha’s mother thanked him in return for the flowers he’d brought her. Never show up empty handed, and Steve was nothing if not polite. The young couple headed outside to sit on the porch for a few minutes, their hands laced together, and that was when everything went bad.

The whole thing, Steve’s news—It blindsided Natasha in the worst way. She hadn’t seen it coming. Why would she? She thought everything was fine. She’d had visions of getting closer and closer to him until he finally broke down and proposed or something. Not this- _anything_ but this.

“I’m joining the army.”

Steve’s words hung awkwardly in the air while Natasha let them sink in. Her boyfriend, her precious, amazing Steve… was joining the army, where he could be killed. The thought of it didn’t quite make sense to her at first, like she couldn’t _accept_ the truth of it. For several very long moments, Natasha sat there with her eyes blankly searching his face for a sign, a signal that this was a stupid joke and she could slap him hard before they started to laugh about it. But there was no sign. There was honesty, there was determination, and there was fear. For a moment, she wondered whether or not he was afraid to die, but Steve wasn’t like that. Steve was scared of something else. She flattered herself to think that he might be scared of losing her.

Parting her lips, she tried to answer him in a calm, cogent way, but all that came out was the only thing at the forefront of her mind. “Why?”

“It’s the best thing,” he answered. “They’ll pay for college, if I want them to. And they pay really well… Besides, it’d be an honor to serve.”

Admittedly, Natasha wished she’d remained a little more serene. “What’s the point of a college education if you’re dead?!” She yelled, shoving hard at his shoulder. “What the hell are you thinking, you _idiot_?”

Steve took it well, only turning slightly and giving her a patient look. “I’m thinking that if I ever want to have a life outside of the shitty job I’m working, I need to do something substantial.”

“Substantial? Because what we have isn’t substantial? Is that what you’re saying?” She could see him sigh and pressed her lips together, getting to her feet so she could pace without looking at him- the big, stupid guy she was in love with.

“Of course that’s not what I’m saying,” he reasoned calmly- damn him. “But I can’t just live on minimum wage for the rest of my life.”

Natasha scoffed. “And that gives you the bright idea of risking your life? Because you need to make more money? No, there’s got to be more to it than that. I can’t believe you could possibly be that stupid.” She leaned forward as soon as he stood up, poking his chest and shoving at his shoulders with both hands- not that he moved much. “Come on, Steve,” she taunted. “What is it? Huh? Is it just another way to get away from me? Because you’re doing a pretty good job _without_ a gun in your hand. So why? Why are you doing th—“

“Because I love you!” He shouted suddenly, cutting her off with the loudest voice she’d ever heard from him and two very strong hands on either of her upper arms. Sighing quietly, he carefully pulled his hands back and shook his head. “I love you,” he repeated, softer this time. “And I can’t ever make a life with you unless I make something of myself first. Plus, my pops was in the army. Can’t say it hasn’t always been in the cards for me, one way or another.”

Natasha could remember the first time she had realized that she was in love with Steve. They’d been sitting in the park one afternoon, his back against a tree, and her back against his chest. Reclining back, she’d pulled out a book and began reading to him while he toyed with her curls, chuckling when appropriate. After a while, his hand had stopped and when Natasha next looked up, he’d fallen asleep right there, his head back against the tree behind him. She’d contemplated waking him to tease him for falling asleep on her, but Steve looked so _peaceful_. Shifting very carefully, she’d turned around to lean her head against his chest, her legs thrown over one of his, and she’d said the words for the first time, whispering an ‘I love you’ that fell on deaf ears.

Steve had never said it to her and other than little moments when he couldn’t hear her, she’d never said it again. Until now. She opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it, then closed it again. He loved her. Natasha supposed she’d known that already, but to _hear_ it was something altogether different. All of a sudden, Natasha’s anger just melted away and was swiftly replaced by tears that welled up under her eyes. She covered her face with both hands, shoulders shaking in blind fear of what might happen. Not only was he going to leave her to wait for him, but he might never come back.

While she was still trying to calm herself down, Steve stepped forward and pulled her into a tight embrace, welcoming her arms around his waist while his hand rubbed up and down her back. “Hey,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss her hair. “I’m gonna come back to you, Nat. I swear. And you know, I don’t leave ‘til after New Years, so we get to have Christmas together and everything.”

Natasha closed her eyes and buried her face in his chest, sniffling pitifully at the thought of having to say goodbye. “I love you too, you know,” she mumbled, earning a soft laugh from Steve.

“I know you do, Tasha,” he answered quietly. “I know.”

It went without saying that the little over a month they had left together sped by much faster than Natasha could really handle. There were moments when she would forget about what was happening and then it would come back to her at a bad time and she would wind up insisting they spent all of Saturday cuddled up on the couch in her living room, for example. She just couldn’t imagine everything going on without him there.

Christmas was a somber time. Natasha’s performance in Sleeping Beauty had been to rave reviews and standing ovations, including one from her proud boyfriend sitting in the front row. Afterwards, he’d presented her with a huge bouquet of roses and a knee-buckling kiss that left all the other girls backstage giggling. That night, Natasha’s parents took them both out to a nice dinner and for once, her father looked kind of impressed by Steve’s plans. Talk of the military lasted only a moment, though, before her mother steered the conversation away for Natasha’s sake.

On Christmas Eve, Steve asked her to attend mass with him for the very first time and although she wasn’t particularly religious, Natasha stood beside him for the duration, finding it fascinating that he knew everything he had to say. This was a side to Steve she’d never seen before. When it was over, they decided to take a short walk in the park, their hands wrapped around warm cups of hot chocolate. Natasha said she couldn’t wait for the cold to be over. Steve nodded in agreement, even though he wouldn’t be there to see the flowers bloom when it was.

The next day, Steve came over in the morning and opened presents with Natasha’s family. He presented each member with an impeccably chosen gift- a beautiful, hand painted tea set for her mother, a case of expensive cigars for her father, and a delicate gold locket for Natasha, engraved with their initials inside. While she thanked him and let her mother coo over Steve’s good taste in jewelry, Natasha wondered how much he’d had to save up to buy them things like these.

After that, New Year’s was only a stone’s throw away. The countdown to January 5th began as soon as Christmas was over and Natasha solemnly crossed off a date on her calendar each morning, waiting for the day that she would likely never, ever forget. The night before Steve was deployed, Natasha outright told her parents that she was going to be out all night. Her father didn’t approve, but they looked the other way because of this special circumstance and how much it meant to her.

They rented a hotel room as usual and Natasha didn’t even have it in her to wonder why she’d never seen where Steve lived. That night, they made love as many times as they could, slowly rocking together as often as they fervently slammed into one another. By the time it was over and they’d tired themselves out, it was starting to become clear that this night in particular was going to wind up being a sad one. Natasha draped her leg over Steve’s hip and pressed against him, molding herself right to his side while his arm moved around her, his rough fingertips brushing up and down the curve of her spine.

He was distracted, his eyes on the ceiling, and Natasha wondered if he was afraid.

“I can’t believe tomorrow’s almost here,” she murmured, resting her cheek against his shoulder and her hand right over his heart. “I promise, I’ll write to you.”

His arm tightened around her, one hand splayed out on her back, and Natasha tilted her head back to look up at him. “Hey,” she said warmly. “You’ll answer me, right? And you’ll brag to all the guys there about me. Tell them you’ve got someone waiting for you.”

Steve’s mouth curled into a smile, but there was weariness in his eyes that she’d never seen before. Resignation? No, determination mixed with sadness, she supposed. He didn’t want to leave her. “Of course I will,” he answered easily. “And I’ll make sure to tell everyone about you. They’re all going to be really jealous of my amazing, gorgeous girlfriend, just you wait.”

They fell asleep still holding onto one another and the next morning, Natasha awoke with both of Steve’s arms around her, his nose buried in the crook of her neck. They took a long time to get up and with Steve’s duffel bag sitting beside Natasha’s backpack, they shared a quiet breakfast together- not that either could eat very much.

The airport was…an awful place to be. With several men getting on the same plane to head off for basic training, Natasha and Steve were surrounded by people just like them. One couple off to the side was sitting down in a corner, the woman draped over her soldier’s lap. Another woman had her back against the big windows while her boyfriend leaned down to kiss her. A family stood in a circle, one young boy saying goodbye to each and every one of them with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. There was even a distraught looking husband saying goodbye to his wife, who was already dressed in her fatigues, and a lesbian couple locked in a tight hug just a few feet away. Natasha found her grip on Steve’s hand tightening as they sat down together, his boarding pass already tucked into his jacket pocket.

It was awkward to say the least- awkward and sad and very quiet, save for the announcements coming over the speakers and the soft murmurs of the other couples with a sob thrown in every now and then. Everyone was trying to be strong. Everyone was trying to say goodbye in some way that would make this a special day. Natasha wore the necklace Steve had given her, but despite thinking about what she might say to him when the time came, nothing was coming out of her mouth. Nothing except—

“Don’t go,” she mumbled, turning and throwing her arms around his neck to pull him close. “Don’t. We can just run away and live somewhere less expensive and I don’t really need that much anyway. I can get a job and---“

Steve sighed and wound his arms around her waist, one hand moving up to rest on the back of her head. “Tasha,” he murmured. “It’s okay. I’m going to come back to you.”

Without even realizing it, Natasha started to cry right there, into the soft material of his t-shirt. She’d be without him for at least three months, if not more, and then who knows? He could be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan or who knows where else and she might never see him again! What if he never came back? For a short while, Steve just held her there and rubbed her back, whispering little reassurances into her hair. But eventually, he leaned back and urged her to tilt her head back so he could press a soft kiss to her lips.

“I’m going to come back to you,” he promised again, meeting her gaze without hesitation.

Natasha sniffled and leaned back, cupping his cheeks with both hands and leaning in for another kiss. When their lips parted, she sighed heavily and shook her head at him. “You had better,” she warned. “Or I’ll come looking for you.”

That had him smiling, but they called for Steve’s flight a couple of minutes later and everything quieted down again. One more kiss. One more hug, one more promise, and then Natasha was pressing a picture of them at Christmastime into his hand and sending him on his way. She watched him go with a heavy heart, wrapping her arms around herself while she tried not to cry again- but soon those arms became the arms of her parents, who’d come to take her home knowing that it would be a difficult time.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

January

  
_Dear Natasha,_

_It’s been two weeks now since we said goodbye and I think I started to miss you the minute I got on the plane. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t shed a few manly tears during takeoff. Don’t worry about me, though. I made a few friends already._

_There’s a guy here named Sam who’s interested in the Air Force- he’s a really great guy to have around. And then there’s Thor… Swear to God, Tasha. This guy is like twice my size. He’s a lot of fun, though. Even if he is way stronger than I am. Moved here from Sweden when he was a kid and joined up even though his family’s loaded. Maybe he’s a prince or something. Sure talks like one._

_There’s also… Well, Colonel Rhodes is in charge of my unit. He’s fair, I think. Tough, but fair. There’s a lot to admire about him, especially considering all the medals he’s won. Oh, and we met Tony fucking Stark, Nat. Seriously. The billionaire? The one who makes all those weapons for the army? Fucking met him. He’s kind of a dick._

_Anyway, I just thought I’d check in and make sure you have the address here. I miss you all the time, you know. Can’t wait to see you again, already counting the days._

_Love,_

_Steve_

_P.S. Everyone saw the pictures I have of you and yes, they’re very jealous._

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_Dear Steve,_

_This sucks. Every time I sit down to try and write a letter, I start it off and go on and on and on for ages until I realize it’s stupid and tear it up to start all over again. I’m stupid on paper.  
  
I miss you. So much, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Class is great and everything, but I don’t come home knowing I get to see you that night and it’s getting to me. And yes, we’re only a little over three weeks in, but __still_ _._  
  
_…Fine. Okay, I’ll stop complaining. I know you’re out there training to be a hero or whatever. I’m sure everyone loves you. But I do miss you a lot._

_We’re doing Swan Lake this term. I’m trying out for the lead, but I’m not sure I’ll get it. I can dance one part, but the other is pretty difficult. Wish me luck- I’ll let you know if I get it._  
  
_Your friends sound nice, I suppose. If you say they’re good guys, then they are. I just hope they take care of you and make sure you come back to me in one piece._  
  
_Love you. I swear, I’m not going to let you go the whole time you’re here after boot camp._

_Love,_

_Natasha_

_P.S. Of course they’re jealous. I’m awesome._

 

February

 

_Dear Natasha,_

_Hey, we’re in the second month! Progress!_

_I’m about four hundred percent sure that you’re good enough to get the lead again. Show them how it’s done, okay? Don’t hold back._

_Uh, about the picture I enclosed. That would be Sam on my left and Thor on my right. I told you he was bigger. Probably more handsome too. Don’t you get any ideas- You’re still my girl._

_So, now that we’ve been together for—shit, have we really been together for like sixteen months...? Anyway, I kind of have to tell you something. I wish I could be there to do it face to face, but that’s just not gonna happen right now. Remember you heard that rumor that I was out with a guy?_

_Well, I was. Like I said. But it wasn’t the way you’re thinking. That guy happens to be my best friend. His name’s Bucky (short for Buchanan, his first name is really James, but don’t call him that), and I’ve known him since we were kids. Uh, he kind of enlisted in the army (he’s two years older than me) and got himself hurt. You’ll see what I mean when you meet him. He’s also got some problems sometimes- nightmares and whatnot._

_I’m gonna put his number at the bottom and you’re going to text him. Just tell him your name. I’ve already told him all about you and stuff… I just think it’d be good for you to have each other._

_Tell him I miss him too, okay? And keep an eye on him. He needs to get out of the house._

_Love,_

_Steve_

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_Dear Steve,_

_Okay, so you’ve been hiding a man from me? Not just a man, but a very attractive, very sweet man. Seriously, why didn’t you ever tell me? Why did it have to be a secret?_

_Bucky is amazing. Honestly, I don’t know why we were never introduced before, but it’s like I’ve known him forever. And yeah, he’s a little quiet and yeah, he’s hesitant to leave the house, but the guy’s_ _ awesome _ _and he’s only got one real arm!_

_Actually, that freaked me out a little bit only because of implications and bad feelings, but that’s not important. I’ve forced Bucky to come to the movies with me, and he promised he’d come see my show… especially if you’re not here. He’s a really good friend, Steve. We just both want to have you back here right away._

_I miss kissing you. And I miss you telling me I’m pretty, so I’m sending you another picture. Don’t show this one around._

_Love,_

_Natasha_

_P.S. Thor is built like a tank, isn’t he? Also, Sam is adorable._

 

March

 

_Dear Natasha,_

_Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. No one gets to see that but me. Not ever._

_You know, I had a feeling you two would get along. I hope he’s not going on and on about all the trouble I used to get into when we were younger. I honestly can’t wait to see you both at the end of the month. Basic training’s almost over and I’m dying to get back home to you for a little while. I want you all to myself._

_You can tell Bucky that he’d better stop charming my girl._

_And then tell him thank you for being there. I just wanted the two of you to have someone in my absence, you know?_

_Only three weeks left. Can’t wait. Love you so much._

_Love,_

_Steve_

_P.S. Sam blushed like an idiot._

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_Dear Steve,_

_You’re coming home in a week! One week! I don’t even know if this letter is going to get to you in time, but I don’t care. You’re coming home in one week and I can’t wait._

_You’d better be on your guard when you come off that plane, because you’re going to have two arms full of me._

_Romanoff OUT. <3_

 

One week later, Natasha was waiting at the airport wearing a new dress, her now straight hair hanging down to her shoulders. Steve’s flight was a little late and it was killing her, but she tried to remain as calm as possible. He was finally back. Three whole months and he was finally back!

_Finally_ , the flight was called and she waited patiently (ish) for Steve to come out. The second she saw him, it was like everything else stopped and Natasha ran forward, jumping up to wrap her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck in a tight hug. Leaning back as he laughed and dropped his bag, Natasha leaned down to press kisses all over his face, from his forehead down to his jaw before she actually met his lips properly. Around them other couples reunited, but it didn’t matter. All either of them could think about was getting some time to themselves.

Hand in hand, Natasha led Steve out to the waiting car—with a very familiar figure leaning against the side. “Hey!” Leaving her with another kiss on her cheek, Steve stepped forward and hugged Bucky tight, patting his back hard. “You came. It’s great to see you, man.”

Everyone piled into the car and Steve reached over to touch Natasha’s hair, smiling warmly. “I like the new look,” he commented, earning a smile in return.

That night, there was a big, family dinner at Natasha’s parents’ house. They wanted to know all about boot camp and since they’d apparently accepted Bucky’s presence alongside their daughter, all was well. Steve couldn’t stop smiling. He was just so happy to be home with his family- with the people he considered his family. But there was still something he had to tell Natasha and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. He’d wait for the right moment, but he couldn’t wait too long.

When dinner was over and Bucky had begged off to return to his apartment, Steve asked Natasha if she wanted to go for a walk. Holding hands, they wandered around the neighborhood while Steve tried to figure out what to say and Natasha chatted on about her classes and all the things she’d been up to while he was away. Eventually, they wandered into a park and sat down on a bench to just be with each other for a while.

And Steve decided to drop the bomb.

“Nat, we have to talk,” he started, turning slightly and taking her hand between his.

Natasha’s smile faded into a concerned frown and she give him a wary look. “Starting off like that makes me think you’re breaking up with me or something.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “No! No, that’s not it at all,” he said quickly, shaking his head. “But we have to talk about… the future. Or more specifically, my future with the army.”

Oh. The redhead’s shoulders fell a little, and she nodded to give him permission to continue. “They wanted me to join the Special Ops team,” he explained. “It’s an honor. And I accepted almost immediately.” It was either that or infantry, and Steve knew he could be good in a special unit.

There was something else coming, though, and Natasha wasn’t going to like it. Based on the way she was already looking at him, she knew well enough what it was going to be. “I’ll be deployed in a week,” he said quietly. “I can’t tell you where I’ll be, and I’m not one hundred percent sure when I’ll be back, but each tour is two years with at least two or three shore leaves periodically—“

He stopped there, cutting himself off because Natasha’s eyes had fallen to their hands and her brow had furrowed something fierce. “Natasha,” he tried. “We knew this was a possibility. I just want to do what’s right for my country. And I want to be able to take care of you.”

Natasha nodded, but she didn’t say anything about it. She couldn’t, right now. Instead, she leaned up to hug him, crawling onto his lap while she hid her face in his neck. And Steve held her for a long while, pretending he didn’t have tears in his own eyes because of how hard it was to imagine leaving Natasha again when he’d just come back to her.

“I’m proud of you, Steve,” she whispered at some point. “I just don’t want to say goodbye to you again.”

Steve could understand that. God knows he’d missed Natasha every day he was gone. “I know, Nat. I know. I don’t want to say goodbye to you either, but it’s just for a little while. I’ll be back before you know it and… and that’ll be it.”

Once they’d recovered, their night spent wrapped up together in Natasha’s bed at home. The rest of the week was spent together as well. Natasha still had classes, but Steve met her in between, before, and afterwards if he had to. He just wanted to spend every waking moment with his girl before he had to leave again. Bucky joined them sometimes, as did Natasha’s best friend- a guy named Clint that Steve liked if only because he made Natasha laugh. She had a good support system there.

But like all good things, their week came to a swift end and Steve once again found himself at the airport saying goodbye to Natasha. With promises to write if he could, he boarded a plane and readied himself for whatever it was that came with being in the Special Ops. He was up for whatever challenge they threw at him.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

At first, he’d been able to sneak a short letter out to Natasha every week or so. Between intelligence missions and rescue missions, Steve’s plate was very full and he hoped Natasha understood that he was trying the best he could to stay in touch with her- especially since she couldn’t write back to him. No return addresses. He just hoped the letters were getting to her. About three months in, there was a period of two weeks where he couldn’t send anything. Then maybe two months later, he went dark for an entire month.

He’d just sent a letter to Natasha when his commander pulled him aside for a briefing on a new mission handed to him specifically. He’d be the second in command, and it was a mission that would be carried out in absolute secrecy with just a handful of men- twelve, in total. Steve agreed, of course, and off they went.

In hindsight, he guessed he should have seen it coming. The mission wasn’t as well planned out as he thought. There wasn’t enough intel to go on here and they were ambushed. The first to go was their leader, shot in the head before anyone knew that anything was wrong. From there, it was Steve’s responsibility as the second in command to get his men to safety and he knew it. But as he calculated the odds and risks and their position, one thing was clear. They couldn’t all make it out.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Natasha got the notice on a Saturday in October; just two weeks after she’d finally received another letter from Steve. She’d been so happy to get that letter, relieved that he was still alive and well enough to send her a little cartoon at the bottom to make her smile. She’d responded right away—which was why the two men standing at her parents’ door came as such a shock.

“Miss, my name is Colonel James Rhodes. I have been asked to inform you that your boyfriend has been reported dead overseas at 0800 on October 17. He was declared Missing in Action a week prior when he was captured during a stealth mission gone wrong and sacrificed his own position to get the other ten men under him out safely. On the behalf of the Secretary of Defense, I extend to you and your family my deepest sympathy in your great loss.”

“No,” she’d told them, shaking her head. “No, I got a letter from him two weeks ago. He can’t be. You’re wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I knew him. Steve. He was a good soldier, and an even better man.” The other man, who looked grim and calm despite the circumstances, offered his hand to Natasha’s father, who’d come to stand beside her.

“My name is Phil,” he said. “I’ll be working with you to make sure that your loved one’s arrangements are made properly.”

That was all. Nothing more, nothing… Natasha couldn’t breathe. Covering her mouth with one hand, she slowly sank down until she was seated on the floor, her knees bent up to her chest as she attempted to process this information, her mother frantically calling her name while blood pounded in her ears and made her dizzy.

Steve was dead.

Steve had been _killed_.

Steve was never coming home.

All of a sudden, nothing seemed quite as bright anymore. Nothing seemed worth any kind of effort. When she didn’t respond to either parent saying her name over and over, Natasha’s father scooped her up very carefully and carried her back into the house, into her room so she could lie down. Even as her father sat on the edge of her bed lovingly stroking her hair, Natasha couldn’t bring herself to speak. Tears slipped down her cheeks, but that was all. That was all she could muster.

Because Steve didn’t have any family at all- something they figured out only when Phil informed them that Natasha and a James Barnes were the only ones listed on his emergency contact forms- Natasha’s parents arranged the funeral itself. Natasha heard her mother saying that it was the least they could do. Her father, who seemed to have aged a decade within a couple of days, had solemnly agreed.

They elected to not have a wake, because there was no body to bury. The service in the cemetery was quiet and sad, with just a small group of people expected to show up. Natasha wore a black dress and red lipstick- his favorite lipstick and lipstick that she probably wouldn’t wear again for a very long time- along with the gold locket he’d given her. She didn’t have any plans to take it off anytime soon. Bucky stood beside her, allowing her to hold onto his arm while his blue eyes shimmered with tears he clearly didn’t want to let fall. He was trying to be strong for her and she appreciated it, but they would cry together later, long after the funeral was over. Clint came too, along with a few of Steve’s other friends from high school, even some of his ex-girlfriends, and (to everyone’s surprise) a somber looking Tony Stark. They’d grown closer when Steve transferred into the Special Ops, he said. He just wanted to pay his respects.

But there was a bigger surprise, something that made Natasha’s heart constrict and her stomach flip in the worst way. It would seem that she would learn more about Steve now that he was dead- more than she’d ever known when he was alive. It would seem that once Bucky knew, everyone living in their neighborhood knew as well. And everyone knew Steve, so everyone came. There were children filing in with their parents, all looking at the empty coffin and the pictures of Steve like they didn’t fully understand why he was gone or what had happened. There were old women standing off to one side in neat dresses and hats, shaking their heads in sorrow. There were even older men than that wearing their old military uniforms and saluting the coffin from where they stood. All of a sudden, their little group swelled into a huge amalgamation of people who loved and knew _her_ Steve- people she’d never known about.

Bucky was the one who explained, leaning over to whisper into her ear. “Steve’s worked a lot of little jobs over the years,” he said softly. “Babysitting the neighborhood kids, delivering newspapers, going grocery shopping for some of the older women… He was a good guy. And everyone knows him, you know? Brooklyn’s like one big family back in our neighborhood.”

And he’d never told her. Steve had never said anything about the children he worked with or what he did for a living. He’d never told her where he was working or anything of the sort and for a moment, she was furious with him. He _promised_ to come back. It didn’t matter that they were awarding him posthumous medals of honor and valor and bravery, giving him promotions in title… because he was gone, and she’d hardly known him.

Ten soldiers in full regalia joined their group at some point, all looking grim and unsure of themselves. They visited the coffin one by one, saying prayers and saying goodbye to their fellow officer. And then they lined up in front of Natasha. She recognized none of them up until the second to last, who saluted her and openly held back tears. “Sam,” she said quietly. “Thank you for coming.”

The soldier nodded once, leaning down to speak to her after a moment. “Steve was a good man,” he said earnestly. “He saved all of us. All the soldiers here? We owe him our lives.”

Natasha swallowed and stood up, winding her arms around his neck for a hug that left him a little surprised. He did hug back, though, and she thanked him again. When she opened her eyes, she noticed the very last soldier standing behind Sam and smiled sadly. “Thor, I presume?”

The blond nodded, raising his eyes to meet her and doing absolutely nothing to hide that he was crying. Natasha automatically liked that about him, and carefully pulled away from Sam to offer him a hug as well. Thor wrapped around her and nearly pulled her off her feet, ducking down to hide in her shoulder for a moment. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” he rumbled, so open and sincere that Natasha’s eyes began to water again and she tightened her arms around him to cope with it while she thanked him for coming as well.

When she pulled back, she addressed both men together, telling them that she was so thankful they’d been there for Steve in the beginning and how many good things she’d heard about them. Both men were clearly still shaken, but they promised to be there for her. They said they’d made a pact- if any of them were ever killed, the other two would take care of their loved ones. Sam had a girl back home, Thor’s brother had no one else, and Steve… had her. They exchanged numbers and Natasha had a soldier on either side of her until Bucky and Clint returned to take their places.

The flag, which was folded up by two solemn soldiers, was handed right to Natasha and if she hadn’t been crying before—this sealed it. That flag was all she had left of him, not even a body to bury, not even a confirmation that it was a quick death. She sobbed into the abrasive material in the back of the car on the way home and didn’t stop until she fell asleep and her mother took it from her, carefully putting it into the case they’d purchased for just that reason and setting it down on the desk in her room.

Fast forward six months and Natasha was just beginning to heal. She still missed Steve terribly, but she knew that he would have wanted her to move on with her life and be happy. She tried. She really tried; working hard at school and taking time to see movies by herself or with Clint, go to a concert or two, take long walks. She couldn’t let anyone else in, though. Plenty of men had asked her out for coffee or drinks, and Natasha had refused them all, usually touching the locket at her throat as a reminder of what she’d lost. It just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like it was time to move on.

Bucky remained a nearly constant presence, though. With the older man on disability, he had no problem meeting Natasha for lunch between classes or hanging out with her for long hours of rehearsals in the studio. Sometimes, though… she would remember. Sometimes she would just stop on the street when she passed by a restaurant she’d gone to with Steve or when she saw something she knew he would have liked. She would take deep breaths, focusing on getting air into her lungs for a few pregnant moments, and then she would continue on.

One night while she was lying with Bucky on the beach looking up at the stars, she wondered aloud whether or not he thought she and Steve had ever really had a future together. “He had big plans,” Bucky said quietly, taking her hand for both of their comforts. “Doubt he ever told you, but the kid had really big plans.”

Natasha didn’t ask what they were. It would have been easier if Bucky had said that they didn’t have a chance in hell of staying together.

Another six months passed and Natasha found herself locked in an awkward conversation with Clint- and when she said awkward, she meant incredibly so. “Tasha, it’s been almost a year,” he reasoned softly. “Don’t you think it’s time you… you know, got back out there? He wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone.”

At this point, Natasha was nearing the middle of her third year in college. She’d moved into a little studio apartment in the city that often hosted Bucky as an entirely platonic overnight guest- either when he was plagued by nightmares or she was- and she visited Steve’s grave at least every month, if not more often. “I’m not ready,” she insisted, shaking her head. Her hair was longer now, and it fell in waves over her shoulders when it wasn’t pulled back into a bun for rehearsal. “There’s no rush.”

Clint, who had recently begun a relationship with a woman named Laura that Natasha liked very much, sighed heavily. “I worry about you,” he admitted. “Aren’t you lonely?”

From where she was unpacking their Chinese food, Natasha paused and closed her eyes, bowing her head a little since her back was to him anyway. “I’m fine,” she said a moment later, raising her head and continuing on. “Don’t worry about me.”

But Clint was right. Natasha _was_ lonely. Bucky was a wonderful person to have around, even lying in bed with her sometimes just so they both got to have someone touching them, but she wanted someone to share her life with. It was that desire that led her to say yes the next time someone asked her out.

The man’s name was Alexei and he was Russian, just like Natasha. He drove a big SUV, slicked his hair back all the time, and wore the kind of cologne that Natasha associated with the creepy Russian men who flirted with her when she was much younger. But he was interested in her and he was nice, so she let him take her out for drinks. He wasn’t Steve. He wasn’t as sweet or as warm, and Natasha spent that night telling herself that she couldn’t compare everyone to Steve or she really was going to end up alone.

He called, and she let him take her out to dinner.

The next month was a very confusing time for Natasha. Alexei was nice enough, she supposed, but she didn’t love him. She didn’t even like him that much. They had nothing in common, he kept avoiding coming to see her dance, she hated his cologne, she didn’t feel comfortable enough with him to mention Steve, and they wound up fighting more often than anything else. But he was _there_ , right? Didn’t that count for something? Another month and Natasha took the next logical step- she slept with Alexei.

Afterwards, when he’d rolled off her and went right to sleep, Natasha cried and walked home by herself despite the late hour and the fact that she had to walk through a bad neighborhood to get back to hers. Nothing felt right and she wished she hadn’t made that decision, but nothing could be done about it now. When she arrived home, she headed right into a hot shower and came out, only to realize that Bucky was already there, curled up on her bed. She crawled in beside him, clinging to him with her arms tight around his waist, and he was kind enough to not ask why.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

It was just after New Year’s when Natasha got a frantic call from her father. She was just sitting around, avoiding Alexei’s calls and letting Bucky watch whatever he wanted to while she read a book for one of her classes, when the phone rang and she picked it up to words she never thought she’d hear.

“Tasha, Он жив,” her father said, slipping into Russian because he was so shaken and so shocked by the news. “Он жив.. Мы идем, чтобы вы и возьму вас к нему. Возьмите с собой сумку на пару дней.”

She must have looked wrong, her whole face gone pale, because Bucky sat up and wanted to know what was wrong, concerned eyes searching hers for signs of panic.

“He’s alive,” she whispered, reaching out with shaking hands to grip Bucky’s shoulders. “Bucky, he’s _alive_.”

For a second there, the words didn’t even register on Bucky’s face, but he was smiling when it sank in, tears springing to his eyes out of sheer joy. “He’s alive,” he repeated. “Steve’s alive—I can’t believe it.”

Natasha smiled too, unable to really articulate how she felt right now. All she knew was that she needed to see him. “Pack a bag,” she rasped, stumbling to her feet. “My parents are coming to get us.”

Fifteen minutes later, they were both sitting in the backseat of her father’s car and heading up to New Jersey, where Steve was lying in a military hospital to recover. It took too long, Natasha’s head remaining on Bucky’s shoulder for the duration of the trip, but they got there eventually and for once, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what she was going to do when she saw Steve again. Was he okay? Where had be been?

All four of them were taken up to a very quiet floor, the sterile odor overwhelming them as soon as the elevator opened, and told to wait in an empty waiting room for a doctor to give them the details. It felt like ages before a kind looking man came out and asked for Captain Rogers’ next of kin.

“I’m Dr. Banner,” he said by way of introduction, shaking Natasha’s hand when she offered it. “I need to preface this by saying that Steve has been through a lot. From what we can gather, he was held captive for a period of time before escaping and making his way through rough terrain until he could contact the army to come get him. He’s in bad shape.”

Natasha held her breath while the doctor spoke to her, everyone else having already gathered around her to hear what he was saying as well. She couldn’t be more grateful for Bucky’s hand at the small of her back. “What does that mean?” He asked in her stead.

Dr. Banner let out a long breath, but his eyes remained warm and calm. “It means that I think he’s going to recover. He’s strong, and he’s stable. But his body needs a lot of time to repair itself.”

Oh. Natasha’ breath left her in a whoosh and she sagged against Bucky, asking the only question that came to mind right now. “Can I see him?”

“Yes,” he answered. “But only two at a time, and I don’t want more than one person staying in there for a long period. He’s sleeping right now, and he needs his rest.”

Nodding her agreement, Natasha immediately stepped forward with Bucky’s hand in hers, intent on taking him in there to see Steve with her. The room Dr. Banner led them to was too quiet for Natasha’s taste, the only sound coming from the machines Steve was hooked up to that beeped with every beat of his heart. He was right there.

Seeing him again left Natasha in tears, her hand immediately going to his while the pads of her fingers traced along his knuckles, over the thick calluses on his palm. He was bruised, clearly, with purpling skin on his arms and peeking out from under the hospital gown he wore. He was also very tan at the moment, likely from having to be in the sun with no protection, and he’d lost quite a bit of weight. She knew from the chart that Bucky casually flipped through that he was recovering from an infected bullet wound to the shoulder, along with several bones that had to be broken again and set the correct way. There were signs of water torture too, along with a myriad of scars along his back and chest. Natasha didn’t want to hear any more after that.

Steve was still sleeping peacefully as Bucky left to give her parents a chance to see him, one at a time, but Natasha refused to leave. She wasn’t going anywhere until he woke up.

As the hours ticked by, Natasha found herself certain of just a few things. She needed to call certain people and tell them that she wouldn’t be seeing them anymore. She needed to make room in her tiny apartment for Steve since they’d found and gone through the apartment he was living in- even smaller than hers now and littered with memories Natasha hadn’t ever gone through because she felt they weren’t her business. She still loved him so much, the butterflies returning to her stomach like they’d only been waiting for this moment to make themselves known again.

She had scooted forward and rested her head against his arm, their fingers still intertwined, when she finally heard a groan. Natasha could feel her heart speed up and she lifted her head, looking up to find him—frowning, and slowly opening eyes that she never even dared to dream she might see again.

“Steve,” she breathed, standing up quickly and reaching out to smooth his hair away from his forehead, her other hand on his cheek. “Steve, look at me.”

When his eyes opened, Natasha felt herself smile and it felt so strange and so wonderful to just be there with him again. Steve reached up with his other hand, his movements unsure and shaky, and cupped her cheek as Natasha blinked tears out of her eyes. “Hey, babe,” he rasped, still breathing hard and offering up the lopsided smile she’d missed so much. “Don’ cry. I, uh—“ He tried to clear his throat, his brow furrowing briefly. “Told ya, didn’t I? I’d come back t’ you.”

Natasha tried to hold back, but she couldn’t help it. She started to cry, leaning over him to bury her face in his neck and let it all out, let out every little bit of sadness and frustration and misery she’d been locking away over the last year- over fourteen months, to be exact. “I can’t believe you’re okay,” she got out at some point, her words muffled and uneven and no, she didn’t care. “You’re okay. I love you so much.”

Steve chuckled. She could feel it in his chest more than she could hear it, but that was okay. He’d get better. She knew he would. “Love you too, Tasha,” he murmured, rubbing lightly at her back despite the strange angle.

When they’d both calmed, Natasha helped Steve drink a little water and slide over a little bit so she could climb into bed beside him, pillowing her head on the shoulder not currently aching from the bullet wound and lacing their fingers together between them. There was silence for a while and Steve, thanks to all the medication he was on, fell asleep for a while longer. Natasha didn’t mind at all- not as long as he was there beside her, his heartbeat a constant reminder that her soldier was alive and well.

About an hour into his rest, Dr. Banner came in with a tray of food that he set down, giving Natasha a warm smile while he checked the machines and pressed something into Steve’s IV. “Make sure he eats,” he told her.

Natasha nodded and remained right where she was until he woke up again, craning his neck slightly to kiss the top of her head. “’m hungry,” he mumbled. “Is there food?”

Smiling because that was her Steve all right, Natasha pulled the tray over and helped him sit up to eat on his own. He was still aching and tender, but he could feed himself. The whole time, Natasha remained seated at the foot of his bed with her eyes on him like she still couldn’t believe it. “How’s Bucky?” He asked eventually, looking a lot more _alive_ now that he had food in his system instead of just the IV stuff.

“He’s just as shocked as I am,” she answered with a small laugh. “No, he’s fine. We’re practically living together, to be honest. Not that he ever asked me, and I definitely didn’t accept.”

Steve nodded, peeling open his Jell-o cup and digging in. “And your mom and dad?”

Natasha tilted her head to the side. “They’re okay,” she answered. “Dad retired last year and Mom’s getting tired of him being home all day, but… everyone’s just really happy that you’re alive.”

When he finished, Natasha crawled up to lay beside him again, splaying her hand out on his chest and allowing him to wrap his free arm around her. They laid in comfortable silence for a while before he started to talk again.

Natasha tilted her head up to watch him, but found Steve’s eyes closed as he continued. “My father died when I was ten,” he said roughly. “And my mom died about six months before you met me. After that, I was living alone in our apartment because I was able to file for independence and live off the little she left me instead of going into foster care. I never invited you over because the place was such a mess all the time and it would be obvious that I was living alone. We never really had a lot of money. I guess you’ve seen by now that my apartment was kind of… pathetic, truth be told. But it was enough for me and mama.”

There was a pause and then—“My dad used to hit my mom,” he added. “Used to berate her and say awful, cruel things to her. She would never stay down for it, though. Always got up. When I was a kid, I weighed maybe 100 pounds, soaking wet. I was sick all the time, couldn't do enough to defend her. I was bullied. I used to get into fights with people I couldn’t defend myself against and Bucky would pull me out of them. Probably saved my life a few times.”

“I’ve been working since I was fourteen,” he blurted out, the confession seemingly coming out of nowhere. “As a babysitter, as a dishwasher in a restaurant, in a butcher’s shop, in a little grocery store, doing errands for some of my neighbors, and delivering papers in the morning. And I’ve made shit doing it, but I needed to keep paying the rent, needed to make sure I had enough money to start a real life.”

Natasha didn’t know how to take all of this, but she stayed quiet and let him talk. “I have never cheated on you,” he said firmly, his eyes still closed. “I’ve loved you since the day you first let me see you dance. I just want to give you a good life. I have a ring.”

At that, Natasha finally reached up and put a finger over his lips to silence him, meeting desperate blue eyes a moment later. “Shh. I love you too.” Very slowly, she replaced her finger with her lips, kissing him for the first time in fourteen months- and the feeling it gave her was indescribable. When they parted, she smiled warmly and touched his cheek when he looked like he was going to speak again. She allowed him to, even if his throat sounded a little raw.

“When I was taken,” he said quietly. “I thought they were going to kill me. And all I could think about was how I hadn’t told you I loved you as often as I should have, and how you didn’t _know_ that I’d already dreamed of a future with you, and how you couldn’t have known why I was so fucking set on making enough money. And that’s my fault.”

Natasha shook her head a little and leaned up for another kiss before reaching for the water and urging him to take a few sips- to soothe his throat. “Maybe,” he coughed, covering his mouth. “Maybe this is stupid considering I look like shit and we’re in a hospital bed right now, and it’s possible that you’ve moved on, but will you?”

She raised her eyebrows and waited, the corners of her mouth twitching as she tried to contain her smile. “Natasha,” he tried again, taking her hand between his and offering up a loving smile. “Will you marry me?”

Natasha’s smile widened and she leaned down to kiss him again, lingering there a long moment before pulling back. “Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

They announced it to Bucky and Natasha’s parents just a few minutes later and there were hugs and kisses all around before Dr. Banner insisted Steve get some more rest.

It took him a full six weeks to be released from the hospital, at which point Natasha took him back to her apartment and showed him around. Before that point, Bucky and Natasha had taken it upon themselves to dig through the storage unit with all of Steve’s things, bringing back clothing, his sketchbooks, and a few other personal items they thought he’d want. He could go through everything else when he was well enough to do so.

That first day at home, Steve dug through the box of personal stuff they’d brought back for him and came up with a black box containing Natasha’s engagement ring- a ring he’d saved up for since just a couple of months after they’d started dating. It was a gold ring with a diamond in the center; very traditional, but in a classic sense. And the diamond wasn’t minuscule either, because he’d waited until he had enough money to get her a real diamond ring. He carefully got down on one knee and proposed again, sliding the ring onto her finger when she rolled her eyes at him and accepted for the second time.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

For a couple of days, they settled into a comfortable schedule: Natasha would wake up and go to school while Steve got himself out of bed and into a shower before taking care of his personal affairs (food, belongings, etc.) and making dinner by the time she got home in the evening. Sometimes Bucky was there to help him, sometimes he was on his own.

By the time the weekend came around, Steve was feeling much better and Natasha came home on Saturday evening (after her rehearsal in the studio for several hours) to a candlelit dinner on her tiny balcony. They ate together and she reminded him about how happy she was to have him back with her. She’d missed him so terribly. That night, they made love for the first time since he’d come back to her. Natasha traced the new scars on Steve’s skin with the tips of her fingers and fell asleep with her head on his chest, her arm thrown over him like she was trying to keep him safe.

Nothing really went wrong until a couple of days later, when Natasha woke up in the middle of the night to a scream and a strong fist hitting her side. Swearing under her breath, she sat up just in time to get kicked in the shins. “Steve, what—“

He turned violently and swung out, narrowly missing her face when she leaned back and nearly fell off the bed. “Steve!” Ducking another swing, she shoved at his shoulder to wake him up, tugging the covers off as well. “Steve, wake up!”

When he did wake, he sat up with a bolt and it was only then that Natasha noticed the sheen of sweat on his neck and shoulders, the way he was shaking, the way his eyes were wide and terrified, his lips parted in horror. “Steve,” she breathed quickly, crawling up to him and taking his face in her hands. “Hey, it’s okay. It was only a dream. It’s okay.”

He didn’t answer. In fact, he didn’t do anything but sit there, breathing ragged, his skin having gone pale. “Steve, answer me,” she tried. “Say something.” Nothing. Out of desperation and more than a little concern, she started kissing his forehead and temples, his cheeks, his jaw, his lips- anything to get a reaction out of him. At some point, he grabbed her wrists and held them tightly for a moment before gently lowering them, his gaze following.

“I need to go for a walk,” he said distractedly, pulling away from her and sliding out of bed to get dressed. Natasha watched him in confusion and eventually got up as well, grabbing a sweater to pull on over the nightdress she was wearing. Her intent was clear- she wanted to go with him, but he stopped her. “No,” he said firmly, shaking his head. “You stay here. I’ll be back soon.”

Offering up a small smile, he leaned down to kiss her forehead and left her there, leaving the apartment without another word. Natasha was shaken, and she was incredibly worried about Steve’s state of mind if he was having nightmares like that. What if they got worse? Since she definitely wasn’t going to fall back to sleep right away, she headed into the living room and booted up her laptop, doing a quick search to figure out what might be wrong. PTSD came up and she just knew. Steve never talked about what had happened to him. Maybe he ought to start.

The next thing Natasha remembered, she was being carried into the bedroom and spooned from behind, a familiar arm around her waist.

When morning came, they didn’t talk about it. Steve looked grim and Natasha kissed him a few more times than she usually did, but he didn’t seem to cheer up at all. That day, she spent some time in the school library looking into the signs and symptoms of PTSD, eventually coming home with a few printouts so he could look them over and hopefully agree to see someone about it. After all, Bucky had dealt with the same thing. Steve knew all about it, but she figured he couldn’t connect that to himself.

But she came home to music and two large ex-soldiers dancing in her kitchen.

Leaning against the doorway, Natasha smiled at her boys and waited for the current song to end before speaking up- not that they noticed. “Very nice,” she remarked teasingly, giving them a nice slow clap while Steve and Bucky scrambled to look like they hadn’t been shaking it a moment earlier. “What’s for dinner?”

They ate their meal together, chatting easily about something they had planned for next weekend involving getting Steve’s things in order- and a job opportunity that Steve had found to babysit in Park Slope on an intermittent basis until he could handle more. He was also looking into college classes that the army was more than happy to pay for.

“You haven’t told her the best part,” Bucky pointed out, nudging his friend. “Go on.”

Steve was quiet and Natasha frowned, looking expectantly between them.

“It’s not a big deal,” he began, and Bucky snorted, earning a swift glare. “It’s really not. It’s just that they kind of want to… They want to…”

Bucky nudged Steve’s shoulder again. “They want to give him a purple heart,” he announced proudly. “And all the other medals we, uh… buried with his coffin. They want to present them properly, and have a benefit in his honor. And that’s no big deal according to him.”

Natasha raised her eyebrows in surprise, reaching over to lay her hand over Steve’s. “That’s amazing!” She enthused. “Steve, you should be proud.”

“You’ll come with me, right?” He asked, lifting his eyes to meet hers. “As my date?”

Smiling even wider, Natasha nodded right away. “Of course,” she answered. “I wouldn’t let you go alone. Oh, and this means I get to buy a gown…”

With all that decided (Natasha and Bucky both agreeing to come with Steve on the day) the night continued as usual. Bucky stayed over that night, buried under a light sheet on the sofa, and Natasha found herself happily molded to Steve’s side with her head on his shoulder. But the night didn’t go smoothly.

It would seem that once the door was opened, Steve was much more likely to suffer nightmares. He began with muttering to himself, turning and twisting in the sheets while he tried to get away from whatever was threatening him. Natasha didn’t wake right away, but a solid right hook to her face did it, no doubt about it.

“ _Fuck_ ,” she swore loudly, sitting up and cradling her face in her hands as pain throbbed in her skull. “Bucky!”

The other man came running in when he realized that the sounds coming from their room weren’t the good kind and took in the whole situation for a moment before immediately going to Steve and shaking him out of it. “What—“

This time, he was responsive enough to cling to Bucky, but one second later he was turning wide eyes to Natasha- who was bleeding from the nose and had grabbed for tissues to stop it. “Tasha,” he gasped, pulling away from Bucky and moving closer to her- but she flinched away. Despite the way her head was tilted back, she could see the hurt and fear flash through his eyes, so she did what she could to cover it.

“I'm fine,” she said quickly, Bucky turning on the lights so he could look her over. “I’m fine. It’s just a little bruise.” But it wasn’t. The area below Natasha’s eye was already beginning to swell and Bucky dashed off to find an ice pack and apply it, anything to ease the swelling right away.

He came back to Steve repeating the same words over and over again, his eyes shut tight. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” she tried again, but she swore in Russian when the ice pack landed on her face and allowed Bucky to replenish her tissues in silence.

“Steve,” he said seriously. “I need you to go get a damp towel for her nose.”

The blond nodded quickly and bolted off the bed to retrieve the towel, coming back and handing it over to Bucky—but his eyes never left Natasha. Not once. “You need to go to the hospital,” Bucky said at some point, but Natasha shook her head. “Natasha, you need to. You could have a concussion or a broken nose---“

The redhead frowned for a moment, glancing fleetingly over to Steve. God, he looked so upset, so mad at himself. She didn’t want to worry him because she really was perfectly fine, but she also knew that Bucky had a point. “Fine,” she agreed. “But only as a formality. And Steve’s coming with us.” She gave Bucky a look that just challenged him to say otherwise and he nodded, agreeing as long as she was going to get medical attention.

Their trip to the hospital turned out to be more awkward than any of them had anticipated. Natasha had to have an x-ray to make sure her cheekbone and eye socket weren’t fractured, but that wasn’t the worst part. No, the worst part was when the nurse asked her how this happened. “I walked into a door,” she said without pause, her tone firm and even regardless of the guilty way Steve was shifting his weight from foot to foot. The nurse told her that it was a safe place and that Natasha could tell her the truth, and Natasha said that she was. That was the truth. She would seek _other_ medical attention for whatever was going on with Steve.

But the devastated look on Steve’s face would stick with her. Was that would people would think? That he was hitting her? Natasha did everything she could to make sure that Steve knew she didn’t blame him for it, even taking his hand while they examined her.

In the end, she came out with pain medication and an ice pack. Nothing was broken, thank goodness, but the nurse had insisted that see a doctor for a follow up in about a week. “See? I told you I was fine,” she said breezily, waving off the concern evident in both Steve’s and Bucky’s gaze. “It’s just a bruise.”

Over the next two weeks, while Natasha’s face swelled and colored as she healed, Steve’s condition went through a change. At first, he refused to sleep in their bed anymore because he was so worried he’d hurt her even worse next time. With him on the couch, Bucky couldn’t stay over unless he wanted to sleep on the floor- which he did a few times, so Steve wasn’t alone. Natasha felt like their bed was way too big without him now, but no amount of reassurance made it better for him.

At some point, both Natasha and Bucky sat Steve down to talk about what was happening. He resisted it at first, saying that he was perfectly fine, but they eventually got him to agree to see a doctor and arrange for at least bi-weekly visits with a therapist who specialized in PTSD in ex-military. Things got better, Steve began regaining his weight and going out on long jogs, but when Natasha showed up unexpectedly to pick Steve up from the therapist, finding him emerging with ruddy cheeks and wet eyes, everything tanked for the night.

Their ride home was silent. Luckily, Bucky wasn’t there to greet them when they arrived home and Natasha decided that facing this head on was the right thing to do. “You’re pulling away from me,” she said firmly. “Why?”

Steve shook his head, tugging off his sweater to hang it up. “I’m not pulling away from anyone, Natasha,” he sighed, and the tone of it made her almost furious enough to really go after him.

“Why aren’t you talking to me now? Is it because I picked you up? It’s raining- I thought you might not want to get wet.”

He was silent and she glared at the back of his head, crossing her arms over her chest. “I told you I didn’t want you and Bucky coming into that office,” he said eventually.

“I wasn’t _in_ the office,” she protested, knowing damn right and well that she was feeling left out because Steve was talking to someone else when he’d never talked to her about his feelings. “I was waiting outside, so you didn’t have to walk home in the rain.”

“You still saw me!” He shouted suddenly. It made Natasha tense up and she unconsciously took a step back, something that made him visibly sag. “You saw me,” he repeated. “And you saw how I look when I get out of there. How fucking upset I am.”

Natasha frowned. “So? I mean, I hate seeing you upset, but that’s only because I love you. I don’t understand—“

Steve made a frustrated noise and hit the kitchen counter hard, swearing under his breath when his hand began throbbing in pain. “I don’t know how you can look at me after seeing that,” he mumbled. “Why are you still here?”

Taken aback, Natasha uncrossed her arms and cautiously approached Steve, resting both hands on his arm. “Because I love you,” she stressed. “Because I don’t want to be anywhere else. Steve… Tell me what’s wrong.”

At first, he didn’t turn. His eyes were focused on the edge of the kitchen counter, his brow furrowed, his jaw tight. Natasha patiently waited for whatever would come next- even if that was watching him physically pull away from her and lock himself away like he always did. But that wasn’t what happened. Steve turned, slid his arms around her waist and bent down to hide his face in her neck. He was quiet for another few moments before she felt his lips part against her neck, his voice rumbling through her.

“I don’t want you to see me like that,” he said quietly. “Weak. You know? I’m not supposed to be like that. I was never like that before.”

Natasha relaxed a bit and shook her head, carefully raking her fingers through Steve’s short hair to soothe him. “You’re not weak,” she answered. “You’re one of the strongest, bravest people I know. Don’t think that way.”

Steve laughed humorlessly and raised his head to look at her, his eyes shining with tears he was just abjectly refusing to let fall. “Even if I’m crying and scared all the time?”

Smiling a little, Natasha leaned forward and pressed their lips together in a tender kiss. “No matter what,” he said with some finality to her voice. “And if I can help, you have to let me know. I don’t want you to be scared.”

Nodding his assent, Steve leaned forward and scooped Natasha into his arms, wordlessly carrying her into the living room so they could rest on the couch together and watch some reruns. That was where Bucky found them several hours later, asleep with their legs tangled together and Natasha’s weight keeping Steve safe and secure beneath her. No nightmares at all.

May brought about the gala held in Steve’s honor. It was being held at the Plaza, all formal dress and tuxedos and impossibly challenging heels. Natasha had picked out her dress a couple of weeks prior and had it tailored to her, choosing a pair of appropriate shoes and classic jewelry to go alongside it. She’d be damned if she looked anything less than perfect for this event.

In order to keep things appropriate, she’d elected a classic gown without many embellishments. The dress she pulled on over a delicate pair of panties and an equally expensive matching bra was a solid black, strapless with a sweetheart neckline that accentuated her curves and her breasts- because yes, she was trying to show off. She paired that with strappy heels and headed out that day to get her nails painted a sharp shade of red that matched her lipstick. Instead of keeping her hair down, she went to the salon and watched in the mirror as the stylist twisted it up into an elaborate style with a few curls falling deliberately into her eyes. Natasha loved it, and she hoped Steve would love it too.

Steve and Bucky dressed in the living room, helping one another with their uniforms and making sure everyone’s hair was just right, their faces freshly shaved. By the time Natasha made her entrance, they were standing together and teasing one another about the differences in their uniforms- but they both stopped as soon as she made herself known.

“ _Wow_.” Steve’s voice filled the silence between them and Natasha smirked playfully, teetering on her heels with as much confidence as she could muster. Confidence was key.

“You too,” she answered, strutting towards them. “You look very handsome.” Making her way over to Steve, she smoothed imaginary wrinkles on his uniform and leaned up for a quick, chaste kiss. She didn’t want to ruin her lipstick, after all.

From there, they made their way to the Plaza in a sleek, black limousine they’d insisted Steve take advantage of, eventually arriving and smiling for a the photographers selected for the event. Making their way inside, both Natasha and Steve found themselves being introduced to everyone from various high-ranking members of the military to the mayor himself. Everyone was so kind, talking about their own experiences in the field and how lucky Steve was to be able to come home to such a gorgeous woman. Even Bucky made an impression, reconnecting with a few people he’d known during his own time and, of course, with Thor, Sam, and Colonel Rhodes, who were all in attendance and wearing their finest.

Steve was elated to see them, embracing each man one by one and clapping them hard on the back before he let them go and told them how happy he was that they’d come. Natasha was also formally introduced to a sleek-looking Tony Stark and his girlfriend, Pepper. Even Dr. Banner was in attendance. The actual ceremony was the only part of the evening that had Steve tensing up. Once they’d pinned a few medals onto his jacket, they wanted him to say a few words and Natasha knew just by looking at him that he didn’t know what to say.

“Uh, thank you,” he began, offering the crowd gathered a warm smile. “Thank you for giving me this huge honor. You know, I figured I might know what to say when I got up here after thinking about it for a month, but I don’t. It’s… been an honor to serve you.” Steve cleared his throat, awkwardly tapping his fingers against the lectern as he took a deep breath and met Natasha’s eyes. “Whenever I think about what happened that day, I think about my fiancé,” he blurted out. “I think about the people who would have mourned all the lives lost instead of mine. And while I’m still so sorry for what I put her through, I would want… as few people to suffer that as possible. So, thank you for honoring me, but I think we should spend more time honoring those who are still out there fighting for us. They’re the real heroes.”

Thunderous applause was the only way to describe that sound that rose up from the crowd, Natasha clapping along with everyone else. That was her fiancé, and he was amazing. Their night ended on a high note. Everyone had been drinking and the food was delicious, so Bucky, Natasha, and Steve were all in a great mood when they piled into the car again and headed home.

Once they’d dropped Bucky off, the couple made their way back to their apartment and Steve undressed Natasha with all the care in the world- until he had her down to her panties. At that point, all bets were off. The rest of the evening was spent in the bedroom, where Natasha reminded Steve exactly why he loved her- that kind of boldness and ferocity was the kind of thing you didn’t find real often.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Summer came eventually and Natasha was more than happy to spend more time with Steve when he wasn’t working. Halfway through June, she got a job as the understudy for a more prestigious dancer and began going to rehearsals nearly every day, but only in the afternoons. Luckily, they had already decided that their wedding wouldn’t actually take place until she graduated from school in January- she’d doubled up on classes when she could and was graduating a little early.

In July, Natasha surprised Steve with a huge barbeque near the beach so they could watch the fireworks on his birthday. Tony made an appearance and just about blew Clint’s mind until they got more comfortable and began snarking at one another almost immediately. It did get a little scary for a moment when Steve tensed up at the first ‘boom’ of fireworks in the sky, but he gripped Natasha’s hand and calmed, determined to enjoy his favorite part of his birthday each year.

In August, Bucky announced that he was going to get a job and get off disability because he was done with dealing with the government and wanted to stand on his own. He managed to secure a position at Stark Industries, where Tony made sure he was put to good use.

In September, Natasha went back to school and Steve decided to enroll in a class at a local college, aiming for a degree in Fine Arts. He started sketching for himself again, leaving little cartoons on the fridge and experimenting with different styles of painting when he had the time.

In October, Steve managed to plan and pull off a Halloween party in their apartment. He dressed up like a greaser and Natasha donned a poodle skirt just because she thought it was funny. Everyone came- everyone from Tony, who dressed up like Hugh Hefner, to Thor, who came dressed as a caveman and wore very little (to everyone’s delight), to Thor’s younger brother, who came dressed as a vampire, to Bucky, who decided to come dressed up like Frankenstein’s monster. It was an amazing night that ended in some very interesting roleplaying on Steve and Natasha’s part.

In November, Steve and Natasha hosted their very first Thanksgiving. They invited Natasha’s parents and Bucky, and Natasha humbly sliced the cranberry sauce while Steve praised her and took care of the rest of the meal. They toasted to the couple’s upcoming nuptials and chatted until rather late that evening.

In December, Steve brought home a black kitten and handed her over to Natasha as a surprise Christmas gift. The kitten was named тьма, or T'ma (which means 'darkness' in Russian) and slept in a tiny bed in the living room, mewing along whenever Steve sang as he cooked.

In January, Natasha graduated from Julliard and let her parents take them both out to dinner at a fancy restaurant to celebrate. While they were out, her father handed Steve an envelope that contained---

“Sir, we couldn’t,” he said immediately, trying to hand it back. “It’s too much.”

Shaking his head, Mr. Romanoff refused to take it and smiled instead, setting a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “You listen to me,” he said firmly. “You take that money, and you make a down payment on a house. You take care of my little girl, do you understand?”

Steve stuck out his hand and thanked Natasha’s father profusely, sitting back just in time to allow Natasha to do the same. They could start a real life together, in an apartment that wasn’t a matchbox, or in a real house in Brooklyn. They had a choice now, and they’d start looking right away.

In February, Natasha went batshit crazy attempting to plan the perfect wedding. On Valentine’s Day, Steve practically kidnapped her in order to cook her a nice dinner and celebrate on the roof of their building. The break seemed to at least give her enough sanity to get through the planning, because she was glowing on the day of.

On March 14th, Steve got to watch Natasha walk down the aisle towards him. With Bucky standing up as his best man and Clint standing up as Natasha’s maid (for lack of a better word) of honor, the wedding went off without a hitch. She wore a simple dress; just white satin with a deep ‘v’ neckline and a cinched waist, a few rhinestones at the center. After going back and forth over the course of her planning, Natasha had chosen a small church in the city for their ceremony, where they stood together at the altar and promised to love one another until they drew their last breath.

The reception went on for hours, with a three-course meal plus dessert being served to each and every one of their eighty-four guests. Natasha had never smiled as much as she did that night and even when everyone left, she and Steve could be found slowly swaying together on the dance floor, Natasha’s shoes long abandoned under their table. She couldn’t have possibly imagined a better night or a better way to celebrate how long they’d been together, all the things they’d been through, and all the things their love had survived. Steve carried her over the threshold of their apartment that evening, and right into the bedroom despite Natasha’s laughter and light warnings to be careful of her dress.

Careful consideration had led them to choose Ireland for their honeymoon. Steve's family was Irish and since Russia wasn't an option, they decided to go for an adventure in the land of Éire. Instead of staying at a hotel, they rented a house in Limerick and flew there just a day after their wedding. For a full three weeks, they saw as much of Ireland as they could-- but to be fair, they also spent a healthy amount of time in bed...and in the huge tub that came with the house, and in the shower, and in the living room, and in the kitchen. But they also saw castles! They took tours, they tried as much of the local cuisine as they could and they got _plastered_ in three of quite a few Irish pubs, stumbling back to the house to pass out on top of one another in bed.

When they came home, it was about time to settle into real life. Steve resumed his work with the kids and continued looking into what might be an appropriate college to attend and pursue his degree. It was just something he wanted to do- even if it didn’t present him with any more job opportunities. As Bucky said, the army owed him that much.

In May, after a month and a half of looking for the proper job, Natasha got her big chance. She was accepted into the New York City Ballet and took the job immediately, beginning rehearsals the day after. With her salary and the unbelievably generous gift from their father, the young couple was able to afford the mortgage payments on a beautiful house in Brooklyn, where Steve was far more likely to be hired as a nanny and Natasha was just a stone’s throw from the train that took her right to work.

For nearly six months, everything went so smoothly that Natasha sometimes had to remind herself of all the things they’d gone through to get there. Steve was still seeing a therapist about twice a month and he did have nightmares sometimes, but they were physically harmless. She’d managed to be selected as the lead dancer in the new production of Cinderella and was on stage five nights a week, sometimes two times a day. Sometimes they attended galas together, sometimes they met up after her performances and had breakfast at late-night diners in the city, but they always found time for one another.

In December, Natasha met Steve at the home of a family he babysat for and watched as her big, strong husband just melted in the presence of the brother and sister pair he took care of. She bit her lip at the thought of him playing with his own baby, _their_ own baby.

A couple of weeks later, once Christmas was over, they started to try.

Three months after that, Natasha began to get anxious and decided to visit a doctor for some tests. She needed to find out if they were doing something wrong. As it turned out, they weren’t doing anything wrong… but what they were doing wasn’t going to work.

Telling Steve that she had a minuscule chance of actually conceiving a child was one of the hardest things Natasha had ever had to do. She didn’t want to disappoint him and even though she knew he wouldn’t leave her for it… she still worried. With her test results clutched in her hand, the edges worn from how many times she’d folded them and unfolded them, curled them and straightened them out, Natasha sat Steve down on the couch and told him the bad news.

“I don’t think we’re going to be able to have a baby,” she blurted out once he’d asked her for the third or fourth time to tell him what was going on. “The doctor said it was almost impossible f-for me to carry a baby.” Despite her attempts, tears welled up and she bowed her head in defeat, brow furrowed as she waited for Steve’s response.

It came in the form of a hug, his big arms wrapping bodily around her and pulling her as close to him as possible while she hid her face in his neck. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I’m so sorry. I know you want a family and I just—I don’t know why—“

“Tasha,” he said, cutting her off. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out.”

Steve was so calm. Natasha found that she had no choice but to cry, frustrated tears spilling over and staining the t-shirt he wore while she let the paper fall and locked her arms around his waist. For a long time after that, Natasha felt defective and useless. Of course, she knew that her worth didn’t stem from her uterus… but it felt horrible to know that she wasn’t able to do this, that she couldn’t give them _both_ the family they wanted.

Sometimes she’d find herself staring into space while she was at home, or looking at parenting magazines like she had a right to do so. The news came that Laura and Clint were going to have a baby and Natasha congratulated them with all the happiness in the world, but Steve knew it hurt her. He remained sweet, kissing her whenever he found her curled up with T'ma and watching television or came home when she was just leaving for her show that night.

Throwing herself into her work was much easier. Natasha trained harder than she ever had, eventually performing a show that was so successful, she managed to get an invite to perform with the Russian Ballet that Christmas- in New York City, on Christmas Eve, in the Nutcracker. Steve attended with a huge bouquet of roses and the company got a standing ovation at the end, with endless applause and several curtain calls.

Still, Natasha found herself distracted by the idea of a child. When little baby Barton was born just after Christmas, she only became more convinced that it was time for her to become a mother. She was named godmother to Steve’s godfather and she was basically smitten. It had been nearly a year since she’d gone to the doctor that day when Natasha decided to bring up the idea again, springing it on Steve while they were in bed one night, books on either of their laps.

“I’ve been looking into adoption,” she said quietly, almost as if her heart wasn’t pounding like a drum, fingers tightening on the book in her hand just in case he said no.

Steve stopped what he was doing and turned to look at her, raising his eyebrows. “Yeah?” He ventured. “That sounds like a great idea.”

Letting out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, Natasha smiled and nodded, only acknowledging what a big step they’d just taken when Steve leaned over to kiss her cheek.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See translations at the bottom! <3

As it turned out, the adoption process was way more complex than Natasha had realized. One afternoon, she sat down with her mother to sort through the papers and decide on an agency to use. There was one in particular that she liked, so they filled out all the paperwork and, once Steve had signed it and read everything over, they scheduled an interview.

The day they went to the agency for their first meeting, Natasha fussed over every little detail. She didn’t want to look wrong, and she didn’t want Steve to look wrong… Everything had to be perfect. After a very long morning, she selected neat jeans and a pair of boots, along with a pretty pink top and a grey cardigan to pull everything together. Her hair remained down, and her makeup was very light as well. Steve was perfectly comfortable in khakis and a button down, his hair neatly combed, and he was about three hundred percent more calm than Natasha as they were called in by their caseworker- a Maria Hill.

“It’s nice to meet both of you,” she said warmly, shaking their hands one at a time.

Natasha smiled and sat down beside Steve, her hand immediately going to her husband’s thigh as she leaned into him a little bit. For solidarity, definitely not because she needed comfort and was terrified Ms. Hill would tell her she wasn’t going to be a fit mother.

But the interview went rather well. They were asked about their careers and how they planned to fit a child into their lives. Natasha told her that the ballet season was only a short time and after that, they would both be available to take care of her- with Natasha’s rehearsals at night and Steve’s classes during the day. Their mental history was discussed and Steve readily admitted to being in recovery, or considering himself still in recovery from PTSD. But he wasn’t violent anymore and that was that.

They had a suitable income, along with stellar references from Natasha’s parents, Tony Stark himself, and Colonel Rhodes as well. Natasha also added in a letter from Laura, who talked about how they were with her baby. Maria seemed impressed by the letters and went on to ask about why they had chosen to adopt instead of having their own or using a surrogate. All that was left now was the home inspection.

Two weeks later, Natasha cleaned their house from top to bottom and hid away anything that might be damaging to them- meaning any condoms and the like were sealed away in a locked drawer in their bedroom, along with the more inappropriate of Steve’s drawings. Everything else was spotless, and Steve was helpful enough to make a few snacks for their little meeting before they gave Maria the tour.

It was brutally thorough, but wonderful. Even T'ma managed to behave herself, remaining curled up in her bed save for her customary half-hearted greeting when Maria came in. At the end of it, Maria told Natasha and Steve that she thought they’d make wonderful parents. They spent about half an hour talking about preferences and whether or not they wanted to adopt an older child, and Maria left saying that she would get started on the next step of the process right away.

Weeks passed.

Two weeks into their fourth month of waiting, Steve received a phone call at home that told him they might have a baby for the couple. The mother had elected adoption and the baby was due in only another four weeks, so it looked really good for them. He called Natasha and they cautiously celebrated that evening by falling asleep on the couch, a magazine opened to designs for a nursery falling to the floor as they got more comfortable.

Another two weeks and Maria called again, saying that everything was in the final stages. The mother was set on them and she was just waiting to get the signed paperwork back. In the meantime, Natasha had started filling the nursery with toys and furniture- all the baby stuff they’d need, like a bassinet and a changing table and so on. Steve painted the walls a light green, and they began thinking about names for a little baby boy. They even scoped out how long it would take them to get to Vermont, which was where the mother lived.

A week before the due date, which Natasha had marked on her calendar with a big, red circle, the phone rang around midday and Steve picked up again having just come home from a long, late jog.

“Maria!” He said warmly. “Hi, it’s great to hear from y—“ He paused, sitting down on the arm of the sofa and listening carefully to every word she said. “Oh,” he answered quietly, already rubbing at the back of his neck. “Of course. I understand. Thank you again.”

Natasha had come in just in time to hear the last bit and she’d remained around the corner, hiding from Steve until the conversation ended. When she padded into the living room, she found him bowing his head, his eyes closed tight. “Steve?”

Immediately, he looked up and met her eyes—and that was all she needed. “What happened?” She asked quietly, her whole face as blank a she could make it.

“She changed her mind,” Steve explained, rubbing his palms over his thighs like he couldn’t calm himself- it was a nervous habit he’d picked up while in therapy. “Last minute, but that’s her right.”

Natasha nodded a little, turning her eyes down for a moment while she collected herself. “Okay,” she answered, a little too blunt and a little too casual. She couldn’t let herself be as disappointed as she wanted to be or she’d never recover. Before Steve could say anything, she wandered into the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge, eventually pulling out a bottle of red wine. They didn’t normally drink all that much, but right now? She needed it. So she grabbed two glasses and headed back out to the living room, passing Steve and making her way upstairs. She paused there, halfway up, and gave him an expectant look. “Are you coming?”

Nodding immediately, Steve turned off the lights and followed Natasha upstairs, where they drank an entire bottle of wine in bed together and fell asleep holding onto one another. All of a sudden, the nursery seemed like a cruel joke. Steve closed the door the next morning and they kept it that way despite some vague assurances from Maria that they were an ideal couple, that someone would definitely be a good fit.

_Months_ passed.

Everything relating to babies had been neatly packed away and stored in the nursery itself- little shoes that Natasha just had to buy, a teddy bear that Steve had picked out, bottles and diapers they’d never gotten to use. It didn’t seem fair.

Life went on, of course. Natasha perked up and they went on vacation to Hawaii to escape the cold that winter, spending their time exploring the island and going snorkeling together. Steve surprised Natasha with a private dinner overlooking the ocean and she surprised him right back by tempting him into sex on their secluded balcony.

Of course, their struggles only pulled them closer to one another. Pepper and Tony were married at some point and Pepper was pregnant almost immediately. The announcement was met with genuine happiness, but they both knew they yearned for the same thing. They both wanted a baby, and yet they would find themselves content with one another for the time being.

Almost a year after their huge disappointment, Maria called again. It was Natasha who picked up this time, and she barely let herself get excited at the prospect that it might be good news.

But it was.

“It’s a sure thing,” Maria said happily. “Natasha, you’re going to be a mother.”

Even with those words, even with those assurances, even with the fact that Maria was telling her dates and times and genders… Natasha was still in shock. Even when Steve came home, she remained on the couch staring straight ahead as she had for the past hour or so. Steve came over right away, crouching down in front of her with his hands on her knees. “Nat? What’s wrong?”

“We’re having a baby.”

Steve blinked, slightly taken aback, but clearly cautious. “What?”

Natasha finally started to smile, reaching out to cup Steve’s cheeks in her hand. “We’re having a baby!”

A second later, Steve was wrapping himself around her in a tight hug, nearly scooping her off the couch in the process. “We’re having a baby,” he repeated in disbelief. “Wow.”

The child Maria had found for them was a little girl. She wasn’t a newborn, which had been their first preference, but she was only three years old. She was coming all the way from Russia, the daughter of a woman who had unfortunately passed away a few months before and left the little girl with no family at all. Two weeks later, with everything set up for her arrival, Steve and Natasha made their way to the airport to meet her- to meet Liliya.

As it turned out, Liliya had soft, blond curls and absolutely massive blue eyes. She clutched a ratty teddy bear to her chest with one arm as she toddled along beside her handler wearing a little green dress and matching shoes. “Mr. and Mrs. Rogers, yes?”

Natasha nodded, her eyes already on the girl gazing up at her. “Hello,” she tried, crouching down to get on Liliya’s level. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

Liliya blinked and shied away for a moment, holding her bear up to hide her face while Natasha just smiled. “Hi,” she squeaked from behind the toy. “Ты красивая.”*

Pressing her lips together, Natasha tried not to smile too widely as she responded. “Спасибо. Я думаю, что вы очень тоже.”**

The girl slowly lowered her bear, clearly surprised and comforted by the presence of her first language. “Вы мой новый мама?”***

Nodding again, the redhead smiled warmly and glanced up to Steve, taking his hand to tug him down into a crouch as well. “Да, и это твой новый папа. У нас есть для вас номер дома, тоже. И кот! Ее зовут Тьма..”****

Liliya giggled a little and thrust her bear forward. “Это Саша. Может ли он прийти слишком?”*****

“Конечно,” she answered happily, extending her hand to Liliya as she stood up again. With all the papers already signed, the little girl’s handler said goodbye and headed off on her own, leaving Natasha and Steve to escort their daughter back to their car, already equipped with a booster seat for her. Natasha held Liliya’s hand, and Steve carried the small suitcase that carried her very meager belongings.

It took them a while to get settled. For a few days there, the schedule in the Rogers household was just about as hectic as it could get. Liliya was settled in her room and seemed happy, but Natasha and Steve had quite a few challenges to face.

First of all, Steve didn’t speak one single word of Russian.

Second of all, someone had to be home with Liliya at all times, which meant that Steve’s classes and Natasha’s rehearsals couldn’t overlap.

Third of all, they quickly found that they had zero time for themselves. There was no time for dates or leisurely sex, no time for long movies and falling asleep on the couch unless Lili was already in bed. It was tough, but every time Natasha scooped Lili out of bed in the morning and got a big hug in return, she knew it was worth the trouble.

That year, Lili turned four years old on the sixth of August and Natasha threw a party for her, inviting all their friends. As quickly as Steve was picking up Russian, Lili was picking up more English. She called him ‘Papa’ and he called her his jellybean. Before long, Natasha couldn’t imagine life without either of them and just as she’d predicted—seeing Steve playing with their daughter was quite honestly the sweetest thing she’d ever seen.

Despite being old enough for Pre-K, Natasha decided to keep Lili home until Kindergarten so they could have some time to bond and got a new job- teaching ballet at a small school right there in Brooklyn, where Lili could play during classes and, when she got really bold, try to participate. Soon enough, the former ballerina was buying her daughter a tutu and letting her join in with the rest of the children her age during their class.

The next September came faster than either of them realized. Both Steve and Natasha dropped Lili off for her first day of Kindergarten, waving goodbye and blowing kisses when she looked back at them, her lower lip jutting out in a pout. That pout was quickly remedied by her teacher- a cheerful, older woman named Mrs. Carter who doted on Steve to the point where Natasha poked fun at him for being into older women.

Everything settled.

Steve graduated from college the year Lili turned five and had two very excited girls cheering for him when he walked across the stage. He got a job working from home as an illustrator and took care of Lili when she came home if Natasha had a class scheduled.

Instead of their lives revolving around themselves- around school and careers and so on- their lives revolved around Liliya. Natasha found herself content with that and if the way Steve was smiling all the time said anything, he was pretty happy too.

But every once in a while, Natasha would call Thor and have him baby-sit Liliya for the night. She would dress up in a tight, black dress and meet Steve at a restaurant with low lighting, candles set on the table. She would always wear _that_ lipstick, the same shade of vibrant red that had first drawn Steve to her, and by the end of the night they would fall in love with each other all over again.

 

*You're pretty.

**Thank you. I think you're pretty too.

***Are you my new mommy?

****Yes, and this is your new daddy. We have a room for you at home. And a cat! Her name is T'ma...

*****This is Sacha. Can he come too?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
